This is my fourth month of volunteering in my community. A community that has been gracious to me, allowing me to pursue what I love. This at times however falls short when covering up the loneliness that comes with being away from home. I experienced this loneliness, which was overwhelming during the December holiday. This was my first time spending Christmas away from my family and friends. Don’t get me wrong, it was wonderful celebrating with the community, but I just wanted to be with my family, partaking in our various Christmas traditions.

Do you know what the worst part was? Feeling like I shouldn’t feel like this. I experienced a lot of shame and guilt for being sad that I was away. Maybe I was being too hard on myself, or maybe I was projecting other people’s expectations onto me. Expectations of strength and resilience. That what I am doing is noble and admirable, bringing joy and hope to many- a chance that many wanted but didn’t get—and all of a sudden, I was again battling the feeling that I was somehow being ungrateful. What I couldn’t shake off was the fact that it felt wrong to have all these emotions and that I was being weak, but why? 

In my introspection, I realized that while I was busy trying to positively impact the world, making sure that I lived up to my thoughts of people’s expectations of me, I forgot about myself. I forgot about myself to the point where I internalized the conditioning that being homesick at times, feeling overwhelmed, lost, confused, and giving of myself for the sake of others have to be mutually exclusive. Well, I discovered that that is not the case and that it is simply the duality of life. Just because I chose to volunteer does not mean that this does not apply to me, and it also does not negate the joy I get from doing this and the impact of my presence in my community. 

I learned the importance of giving yourself grace and extending the same grace to other people. I now define strength differently as well. Strength is not perfection; it is not about how well you keep it together; it is not denying self-feeling and emotion, but it is still acknowledging all these and reminding yourself that it is okay not to be okay and to keep moving. Strength is relative, not standard, and valid even when it looks like a child learning how to color- over the lines splashing all over the place. So, my beloveds, give yourself grace; you are doing a great job.